Everyone is trying to flash the good side of their life. People will take dozens or literally even hundreds of photos in the same spot and upload onto Instagram that one photo they like best that matches their own ideal of how they want their life to be. It is pretty absurd.
The reality about friends is very straightforward. If you have more than ten high-quality (Grade 1) friends then you are a very fortunate individual and should go to bed with a grin on your face every day. Why? A true friend is someone you have known for more than five years and gel well with because you trust them and enjoy spending time with them. They don’t waste your time and help you improve your life as they recognize the value of having a stronger and more accomplished network of support.
With that out of the way, here is our way of viewing friendships. If this doesn’t align with your approach, we can agree to disagree.
Grade 1 – The Ultimate Friend
As with anything else important in your life, it makes sense to take a methodical approach to managing your network of friends in the form of a ranking system. This might seem stupid because why would you need to rank and categorize people when you already instinctively know their value to you. Our answer to this is that in the majority of cases your judgment is clouded when it comes to emotional subjects like your friends so you most likely don’t actually have an accurate appraisal of their value, nor do you have a reliable means of appraising each one in a consistent form. If someone you have known for ten years is your best friend one month and suddenly another person you met for the first time only six months earlier replaces him as your bestie the following month, then you’ve likely burned hundreds of bridges in the past. Any intelligent person will take note of this when engaging with you and avoid you in the future as your reliability and sincerity will come into question.
Criteria #1 – Doesn’t Make You Act Against Your Own Interests or Dilute Your Credibility: Unless he is in a life-or-death situation, your friend should never come to you for help if it involves doing something that goes against your own *long-term interests*. Yes, here we specifically mean long-term only, as it is perfectly okay to skip the gym workout you had planned to join your friend in a business meeting if this helps him generate an extra $100K in revenue. What is not okay, however, is if your friend comes to you for help in doing something that he can do equally as well or because he made some stupid mistake and wants you to absorb some of the consequences. Rather, a genuine friend should advise you to take the course of action that is best for you even if it is not in his best interest, and will be more than eager to cover your back in any battle for influence (as will you for him).
This friend should also never put you in a situation where you risk compromising your reputation. Rather, they should contribute to solidifying/defending it whenever the opportunity arises. Anyone who is elite in any single field knows how important perceptions can be. For instance, on many occasions in the business world you can replace the existing CEO with someone who might not be as good at his craft but has a stronger reputation because he was able to capitalize on good timing with growing a previous business, and all of a sudden the company’s image will improve.
A Grade 1 friend will have enough confidential information on you (and vice versa) to cover your back. They will also be familiar enough with your existing achievements to be able to sell you to others. As they say, if you are really good at something others will do the promoting for you.
Criteria #2 – Must Be Moving Forward and Improving Constantly: A Grade 1 friend doesn’t need to be rich, but he should be driven enough to see steady improvements in both his life and financial situation over time. Sure, a rich friend is a huge advantage but someone’s net worth is not necessarily a great indicator of how much help and reliability they can offer you. As an example, there are plenty of extremely driven athletes with careers in tough but low-paying sports (i.e. rowing, ironman triathlon, water polo) who are incredibly reliable and can seamlessly transition into many other fields with their extreme focus and discipline. Likewise, there are plenty of wealthy people who are incredibly intelligent but with questionable reliability that you definitely want as contacts but certainly not on your Grade 1 friends list.
Of course, if someone fits this description then it will more or less be inevitable that they eventually break into the millionaire department within a decade, but again, there are other variables to consider that discredit a hard net worth cutoff line. A grade 1 friend could be one of the most promising individuals you know but have a negative net worth as he is only 20 years old and taking out a loan to get through college. Or he could be a 30-year-old guy who just spent the past ten years in an elite unit of the military and not had the opportunity yet to dip his toes in the business world. Sure, having a wealth filter will reduce the likelihood of people leeching off of you like parasites, but this argument holds no weight here as anyone in your Grade 1 friend category will have already fulfilled Criteria #1.
Criteria #3 – Is Busy and Won’t Always Be Available: Anyone who is someone worth spending time with is not going to be free every single weekend to hang out. Unless the two of you are cooperating directly on some sort of project, you shouldn’t be talking or messaging each other every single day- once per week is more than enough.
Criteria #4 – Will Deliver the Brutal Truth To You In An Impartial Manner: There will always be plenty of second chances, although they are rarely recognizable in the immediate term and will usually come in a disguised form. For example, if you mess something up big time and lose the girl that you love, your idea of a second chance might be to get her back, but in reality your relationship with her is likely over for good. However, an even better girl could pop up in your life one to two years later. It might not seem obvious by that point but this is effectively your second chance.
The same principle applies with a Tier 1 friend. Whenever they give you any uncomfortable truth, rather than viewing it with hostility, consider this criticism/suggestion seriously. What are the pros and cons of sticking it out with your original plan versus transitioning to his proposal? Comparing the two, could the best solution perhaps be to find an alignment somewhere in the middle?
Sure, what they say is their opinion, but if they are a Grade 1 friend they will be supporting it with a valid factual basis. This is effectively like receiving a second chance; paying no heed to their insight could spell disaster and cause you to double down on a big mistake. So rather than allowing yourself to get offended, make it clear to everyone that you are open to constructive criticism. This will ensure that your Grade 1 friends will always have your back whenever they foresee you going down a questionable path. The biggest mistake you can make is to build your inner circle with a group of Yes Men as they will be the first to scram as soon as you go through an actual struggle.
Criteria #5 – Never Complains: A Grade 1 friend can be arrogant, inflexible or even forgetful, but he should never be the type that complains instead of taking action. Sure, you may have a handful of contacts who come across as overly judgmental towards most people they encounter because of their own high standards and level of competency, but it’s important to be able to distinguish between a high-value prima donna and a compulsive complainer. The prima donna will voice their judgments publicly but take action whenever necessary, while the complainer will be bitching on the phone all the time but do nothing about it. In the latter case, immediately block the contact on your phone.
Grade 2 – The Disciplined “Fun Guy”
Criteria #1 – Cannot Deliver At a High Level but is Trustworthy and Can Keep a Secret: One major difference between a Grade 1 friend and a Grade 2 friend lies in the level of competency and discipline. A Grade 2 friend is progressing in life at a slower pace but has a very positive mindset and is incredibly loyal. While he may not be able to lend you a hand when it comes to a particular area of expertise, he can certainly offer assistance when the main question at hand involves trust.
You might seem to think this sounds like a very straightforward criteria that anyone can qualify for, but we can tell you right now that this is far from the case. Everyone knows how to be trustworthy, but very few people are. 95%+ of people have very short-term priorities and are unsatisfied with their lives, thereby making them prone to jealousy. Present them with the the option of winning big with someone else or winning a lot less but at the expense of the other person losing and the majority will pick option #2. The rare minority who would stick with a win-win scenario will reward loyalty for loyalty and are great for reaching out to when you have an urgent problem that you want to solve quickly but keep confidential.
Criteria #2 – He is Extremely Interesting and Fun To Be Around: If you are a fairly athletic, decently good-looking guy in your twenties with an adventurous streak you can have a pretty good social and sex life even with zero economic prospects. Of course, this catches up with you at some point (typically by 32) when things suddenly take a nosedive. Overnight, you will find the type of fun company you were able to previously attract dwindle as other people move on.
The key to having a fun social life is to adopt this “adventurous bum” mentality while simultaneously possessing the discipline that other adventurous bums do not have. If you look around you, you will see a decent amount of people who fit either one of these two categories but very few who cross over into both. These “crossovers” are the type you want as your Grade 2 friends. They might not have the super ambitious quality that your Grade 1 friends possess (Grade 1 – Criteria #2), but their strong level of discipline means that while they may never have any intentions to become rich or among the best in any particular field, their lives are still improving bit by bit so they won’t be hitting a plateau anytime soon. These guys will be plenty of fun to spend time with, and while it is unlikely that your business interests will overlap in any significant way, Grade 2 friends will typically push you out of your comfort zone and take you through unique and fulfilling experiences. As an example, one of us here has always had a significant fear of heights that he has never managed to overcome. Earlier this year he went on vacation with an adrenaline junkie friend who he had not caught up with in more than five years. The friend convinced him to go skydiving, and through this experience he realized that his fear of heights was 90% linked to a fear of death. The skydiving experience helped him overcome this fear of death, which in turn made his fear of heights far less significant. Two months later he jumped from more than 250 yards above ground and successfully completed the world’s highest bungee jump.
Criteria #3 – Good Research Skills/ Gives Good Advice: Since a Grade 2 friend has a good combination of discipline/organizational skills and adventure vibes, he is also the perfect person to go to when you want recommendations for good restaurants to dine at, venues to frequent, sites to see and so on. This is usually the case even if you are traveling somewhere he has never visited before as this type of guy will usually have a full itinerary researched, planned and booked before he goes on any trip.
At this stage it should already be pretty clear our broad definition of a Grade 2 friend: Someone who is reliable and organized but also gives off fun vibes. By hanging around with him from time to time, you will have a lot of fun, be introduced to many other fun people, and in the process become a more interesting person yourself that other people will want to be around.
Grade 3 – Filling Out the Stadium (Soft-Touch Friends)
Criteria #1 – Can Open Doors and Will Reinforce Your Status/Reputation: We wrote in a previous post about the importance of being recognized inside your favorite restaurants and hangout spots. Basically, you want to be relatively good friends with all the staff at the venues and establishments you intend to take other people to, and in the previous post we outline just how to do that. These guys and gals will be your Grade 3 friends.
There is a ton of value in being afforded extra attention in front of people you want to impress, particularly if you are looking to partner or do a deal in business. People are naturally attracted to those whom others acknowledge and will be inclined to make your acquaintance if they see you receiving this type of validation. This makes the selling process infinitely easier for you because if other people like you, then that means you must be a trustworthy and reliable person. After many years in business, we can confidently say that it’s 100x easier for other people to sell you (through validation) than for you to sell yourself from scratch.
So with that said, treat your Grade 3 friends with respect and be sure to always acknowledge them properly whenever you meet them. Take them out for drinks as a large group once every quarter and feel free to introduce as many of them to each other as you want (this will only further solidify your relationships with them). They might not have the most sophisticated jobs, but they will be a critical part of your personal success.
Criteria #2 – Are Attractive & Good-Looking: This is not mandatory but if possible you definitely want to make a bit more of an effort to stay connected with the more attractive members of your Group 3 friends. Even more effective than validation from others is validation from physically attractive people, particularly those of the opposite sex. The logic is simple: If attractive people want to be around him, then he must also be attractive.
If you are ever hosting a party, you want to have a decent number of attractive “filler” friends present and actively engaging with the wealthy/prominent guests. Everyone likes hanging around attractive people, and by setting up this type of environment you can be sure that the VIPs at your party will not only return for future events but also bring their important friends too. A great way to network and simultaneously have a good time.
Criteria #3 – Are Interesting Conversationalists: This one is mandatory but shouldn’t really be an issue as those who work in the service industry have hundreds of F2F interactions every day and are generally great with people. While not everyone is born with good genetics, anybody can learn to be more interesting, and in the same way people like being around attractive people, they also like being around interesting people too.
As you have probably noticed by now, the main purpose of your Grade 3 friends is to improve/reinforce your public image, one of respect and popularity (not fame). Unless you truly enjoy spending time with them alone, there is no need to hang out with your Grade 3 friends on a 1-to-1 basis as the time investment will not be worth it, but be sure to invite them to all the important group events you host.
Concluding Remarks
The main differences between a Grade 1 and Grade 2 friend come down to success potential and fun. The Grade 1 friend is more likely to be extremely financially successful in the future, but will in turn be less fun to hang around with as he will be more business-driven. The Grade 2 friend on the other hand is somebody you can certainly do business and work on serious projects with, but his greater value will come in the fun/personal development aspect. Both are trustworthy and dependable, although when it comes to mutually beneficial cooperation you will want to delegate more skill and high-end network-based tasks to your Grade 1 friends and the trust/time-dependent ones to your Grade 2 ones. But while Grade 1 and 2 friends are those whom you consider to be close friends, Grade 3 friends are good company who you want to always have around as “filler” when it comes to larger group events or as proof of social validation.
As for the ratio split between Groups 1, 2, and 3, we would put it at 10/15/75. Finding a truly good and reliable friend is about as easy as finding the right partner you want to marry, so the process of finding Group 1 type friends can be quite arduous and time-consuming. We don’t have a reliable blueprint for consistently sourcing Group 1 and 2 friends other than by exposing yourself to as many people as possible in business, preferably within environments you don’t feel comfortable being in. In your spare time, you can also meet potential Group 1 and 2 candidates by picking up hobbies and activities that involve strong discipline and work ethic (i.e. rowing, combat sports, etc.). There are also plenty of other ways and if someone has a good solution for sourcing potential candidates and then filtering them we are all ears!