Knowing how to use the ego to acquire a valuable contact is an extremely underrated and rarely taught skill. Yes, most people around you will tell you it is not good to feed other peoples’ egos because it will encourage them to continue living their lives along their own misguided expectations and delusions. There is truth to this, but it is important to understand one thing: People will continue to believe in their own fantasy-based pipe dreams regardless of whether or not you choose to stroke their egos. In fact, all you are doing by refusing to feed egos is guaranteeing that others will not like you. 99% of people will never change, and no matter how much logic and proof you provide to counter their self-delusions, they will continue to justify what they want to believe. So why create enemies when you can tell them what they want to hear and forge serviceable partnerships that will pay you dividends?
Now let’s go through the process of how to feed others egos while simultaneously avoiding the personal ego trap.
Laying the Initial Groundwork: By now you have probably already noticed that facts and evidence are unpopular among most people, so for all interactions going forward you will talk around the questions and subject matter until you find out what the other person’s viewpoint is on this. Once you have this figured out you will proceed to adopt this viewpoint as your own. That’s right, his opinion is now your opinion. You will clamp down on any strong opinion you can uncover because these are highly emotional. The most suitable topics for this are politics, sports, the economy and social/religious issues. Agree with any strong opinions he may have but avoid repeating his talking points word for word as it may be interpreted as sarcasm. By following this strategy you will now have fostered a new connection who will be open to your personal viewpoints on topics he may not have a strong opinion about.
As an example, let’s say you are a third-year college student who is looking to get one of those highly-coveted IB analyst positions. You attend an on-campus networking session hosted by a bulge-bracket firm and speak to a handful of people from the bank. Once you have found a receptive person, you will converse with him with the intention of asking him for an internal referral at a later stage. Start off by running various topics like sports, economics, or politics without giving away any personal opinions. After he bites agree with him. With some practice you will be able to figure out quickly what topics he is passionate about, and towards the end of the conversation you will add him on WhatsApp so that you can continue the “greatest discussion about baseball that you have ever had.” Keep this conversation going through instant messaging, and after some weeks and months your Wall Street guy will start to really like you and actively reach out to you as a friend. Now you will close the deal by asking him to write you a good referral and deliver it to the hiring panel. *Hint: Interview secured*
Uncovering Alternative Opportunities: What if the person does not have any strong viewpoints on the topics you have explored? This is typically a sign that you have come across a more rational and less emotional individual. In such cases he is either logical enough to not hold any extreme views or he is socially aware enough to understand the value of not sharing them. Such people tend to be more reliable and have good emotional intelligence, so you should definitely add them to your long-term Rolodex. But how do you press on? If someone is mature and composed enough to only espouse rational viewpoints, he should also be humble enough to share some of his weaknesses (skills and qualities that he is trying to improve upon). By taking time to establish good rapport, you will find out what these are, and as soon as they talk about it you can complement them on how good they actually are at the said skill. For example, if your target says he feels he should improve more on public speaking, you can counter by saying you feel that he is already very strong in this skill.
“It is Worth a Try”: If someone comes to you with an idea and asks for your opinion on it, always tell them that it sounds interesting and is worth trying because it may work. This is a win for you regardless of the outcome. In the event that it turns into a success he will give you credit for your encouragement, especially if everyone else he asked recommended against trying it. And if it fails that is fine too because you have already hedged your bet through your word choice (“may”). The majority of ideas fail soon after conception so even if it turns out to be a disaster he will not be upset at you because you “believed” in him and this was nothing more than bad luck. Extra emphasis on the bad luck component: Never ever tell anyone that they failed because they did not do X or prepare Y, always say it was just plain bad luck.
“Remove Your Own Ego From the Equation”: This is contingent on the situation but is necessary the majority of the time. Self-absorption will drag you down like the law of gravity and kill your capacity and drive to be creative. This is especially true if you have recently achieved any kind of major success as it can instill into your head the false narrative that further success in the future is a certainty. This is a clear-cut path to failure as it will lead you to become brash and overconfident. To protect yourself from your own ego, you must think every single day about how much work and learning has yet to be done, not how much you have already done or know. Humility is an invaluable asset if you are looking to consistently accomplish new things.
There can, however, be exceptions to how you publicly project yourself. If you are an athlete or some kind of media figure then displaying a public persona of humility can work against you. Yes, you read that right. Depending on your career or business, a certain degree of arrogance and chutzpah can help to generate considerably more earnings. For a real-life example, look no further than Tim Duncan vs. Kevin Garnett. They are the same age and both played at around the same time and for the same number of seasons (22) in the NBA. Duncan is without question the better player out of the two. He is widely recognized as the greatest power forward of all time and also in the conversation as one of the greatest NBA players of all time, while Garnett is not even remotely close in the same discussion. On top of that, Duncan also has five NBA championships over Garnett’s one. But Garnett is far ahead of Duncan in both jersey sales and career earnings ($334 million vs. $242 million). This goes to show that while you do want to eliminate your ego, being too quiet and humble in public can cost you if your earnings are dependent upon your popularity and following.
Money or Fame – Pick One (Hint: Go For The Stealth Wealth): Every time you have a new decision to make always pick the one that generates the greatest long-term financial dividends. This is especially true if the alternative is a promise of increased fame. While fame and money are not mutually exclusive, having money without fame will give you the best kind of lifestyle. Fame is extremely overrated and will only serve to expand your ego. For a rich person, fame also creates more problems: Loss of privacy, more people reaching out to you to waste your time/swindle your money, increased risk of being kidnapped, resentment from those around you, etc. Fame without wealth is even worse because you pick up all the downsides without having the financial means to cushion the blow.
A layer beneath fame lies prestige. This is different from fame in that it is more geared towards increasing respect and admiration rather than publicity and is less of a vanity play. Nonetheless, whenever the offer is between money or prestige you should still choose money. As an example, if you have a career decision in front of you between working at a boutique firm with excellent promotional opportunities versus being at a top bulge bracket where you will struggle to even climb a single rung up the corporate ladder, you should always pick the boutique. This should be an easy decision as long as you can keep your ego in check. You stand to financially gain far more in the long-term at the boutique, whereas the only real benefit the bulge-bracket can offer is a sexier business card and corresponding ego boost. Never allow your ego to get in the way of a significant payday at some point in the future.
Freedom or Recognition – Pick One: Would you rather sell pet products online for $200K a year or work at a respected multinational company for $300K? The first one doesn’t sound as sexy but the upside is that the business is mostly automated and you can do it while sitting on a beach in Croatia drinking Gin and Tonics. The second one will make for a great conversation starter and ego booster but involves 70-hour work weeks and high stress.
We will pick the first option any day of the week as recognition and prestige do nothing to genuinely improve your lifestyle. If anything, it makes things worse as the ego boost drives you to exert more energy chasing even more prestige and recognition. Eventually you will burn out with nothing to show for it except for wasted time and regret.
Money, on the other hand, is extremely important but should be treated as a means to an end and not an end in and of itself. More money gives you more options and increases your freedom. If you have an online business generating consistent cash flow then you have the option of quitting the job that you hate and moving to a remote location that you would enjoy living in. This is a luxury that you will never have as an employee, even if you are bringing in $10MM a year. This is why every dollar you make on your own is worth at least 10X as much as the same dollar received from an employer. Option #1 wins again.
Utility or Aesthetics – Pick One: Do you buy to impress or do you buy for the value created? If you frequently pick the former then you have a major ego problem which is likely to intensify in the future, particularly if you see your income/cash flow increase. Right now your problem may be limited to $2K dinners and $10K watches, but later on this could turn into $400K Lamborghinis and $4MM holiday villas. This usually culminates in disaster because you will end up attracting the kind of people you do not want to attract. Just think about it this way: If you have the means to buy your own Lamborghini, would you be excited by a Lamborghini? The answer is a clear and definite no. The only people who get excited about this are the ones that cannot afford one. Many of them are the same people who will cozy up to you just to freeride and leech off of you later on. Why would you want to impress them?
Always buy only for the value that will be generated. If you know you will derive far greater comfort and pleasure over a seven-hour flight across the Atlantic on a business-class ticket, definitely book it. Likewise, if you have always been a car enthusiast and plan to buy one not to impress others but for your personal enjoyment, feel free to go for it too.
How to Sidestep the Ego Trap
Smile, Nod and Agree: Whenever someone tells you something that is false or incendiary, never react by challenging it. Simply smile, nod and agree. If they are unintelligent this will come across as an acknowledgment from you of their intelligence, and if they are intentionally trying to provoke you then this will show them that you are not falling for the bait. In either case, you will save yourself time by avoiding a pointless debate with an idiot.
Put Yourself in Challenging Situations Where You Are Likely to Fail: Experiencing a significant failure is one of the most unpleasant ordeals in life. It generates bad emotions and makes you feel embarrassed and useless. If not correctly managed, it can lead you to completely quit on your objectives for some time. This is why the majority of people will go to great lengths to avoid failure at all cost, even if this means never trying out something new.
With that said, failure is a crucial component of any sort of meaningful improvement. It is the fastest and most effective way of learning and if reflected logically with the right mindset can also drive you to work much harder. In order to make meaningful improvements that compound over time, you should constantly challenge yourself to undergo tasks, activities and experiences in which you are outmatched and likely to fail. Say you are on the junior varsity basketball team at school. Go ahead and play some pickup games against the starters on the varsity team. Don’t worry about the fact that you are two years younger and half a foot shorter than these other guys. Simply hustle hard and use the moves you have spent many early mornings and late nights working on. Yes, you will commit a lot of turnovers. Yes, you might get dunked on. And yes, people will be laughing at you from the bleachers. That is all fine. The goal is to find out what your weaknesses are by playing against much better competition so that you can fix up these weaknesses afterwards.
If you lose at least once a week in something meaningful, you will realize that success is never guaranteed and that there are many other people out there who are better than you at something. This should drive you to dedicate more work and focus to your life while simultaneously ridding yourself of vanity and self-aggrandizement.
Avoid Any Non-Revenue Generating Social Media Presence: Facebook and Instagram are excellent tools for generating online income. They are, however, horrible time-wasters that will suck up your energy and focus and even worsen your mood. Whenever you see pictures of other people having fun your energy and drive is negatively impacted and any momentum you have managed to build will be completely shattered. It is painful to see others eating pizza and drinking beers by the beach when you are stuck at home on a weekend learning a new skill, even though you know that your decision will pay off far more in the long-term when compared to those duds who are trying to impress others on Instagram.
Additionally, getting rid of social media will help you reduce your ego. Instead of monitoring your likes or stalking others and comparing your own life to their “advertised lifestyle”, you can focus on more meaningful pursuits that generate value. By having no personal social media presence, you can strengthen your connections and espouse conflicting opinions to different people without having to worry about any contradictions popping up.
Conclusion: To conclude, it is extremely critical for you to develop the skillset of feeding and leveraging others’ egos. The more people like you and enjoy your presence around them, the more willing they will be to help you with something they are good at, and the more doors you will open for yourself in the future. At the same time, you need to also focus on keeping your own ego in check. Remember that you are never above hard work and criticism. Be prepared to pursue every available opportunity and approach failures with an open mind and a willingness to learn. Finally, get rid of any grudges and insecurities from the past. They do nothing but breed further bitterness and inaction.